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Download E-books You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again: One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up PDF

By Heather McDonald

New York Times bestselling writer, comic, and Chelsea Lately author Heather McDonald’s hilarious real tale of discovering herself within the drawback of being an unwilling virgin on the age of twenty-seven.

Can’t a lady costume like a hooker, dance like a stripper, and kiss like a porn megastar and nonetheless be a nineteen-year-old virgin?

You’ll by no means Blue Ball during this city back is the laugh-out-loud tale of a pretty la lady who discovered herself within the drawback of being an unwilling virgin. As an actress, author, and stand-up comedienne, Heather McDonald handed up abundant possibilities to have her V-card revoked by means of good-looking, wealthy, and infrequently even fabulously well-known males, yet she couldn't carry herself to do “it” till good after her associates were deflowered.

As Chelsea Handler so lovingly places it, “Thank God Heather waited twenty-seven years to lose her virginity or she wouldn’t have any fabric for this book.” no matter if in a backseat, a group pool, or a activities stadium, with a frat boy, a physician, or an A-list megastar, Heather McDonald knew easy methods to flip these boys blue. in contrast to “putting out,” blue balling will possibly not have paid her lease or landed her loose journeys to Hawaii, however it did supply her with hilarious tales and adventures in her look for real love—and, eventually, her own satisfied finishing. Now, Heather McDonald won't ever blue ball during this city back.

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Back I guaranteed him it was once advantageous and I’d see him while he acquired there. Then he known as approximately twenty mins later and acknowledged, “You comprehend, I’m particularly drained. will we do that all over again? ” “What? Are you kidding me? No! this can be so impolite of you. I’ve been ready right here all day for you,” I stated super frustrated. “OK. I’m coming,” he acknowledged just like the responsible flake he was once. No faster may possibly I regain my happiness than the telephone rang back and it used to be Phil. “You be aware of what, I’m now not coming this night. I don’t imagine this can be understanding. ” i attempted to back off and shortly ended up begging for him to permit me to return over to his position and speak. I knew I needed to inform him that i used to be a virgin. I knew he used to be harassed, pondering how may well this lady who was once keen to grind me up opposed to a grimy wall in the course of the afternoon merely hours after assembly nonetheless no longer be having intercourse with me after various dates and sleepovers? on the time, I figured if i may simply be sincere with him, he’d comprehend and shall we proceed to this point till we turned unique after which we’d have intercourse. whilst I obtained to Phil’s position, we sat at the sofa jointly and that i ultimately acknowledged it. “Phil, the explanation i have never had intercourse with you is simply because I’ve by no means had it with someone. I’m a virgin. ” He was once very shocked and stated, “Wow, i used to be considering, Why doesn’t this lady have any curiosity in my penis? ” after all, I’m certain no lady has ever became down having intercourse along with his penis as again and again as I did, specially with these fingers of his, which have been essentially insurable. So i presumed via telling him, he could get that i used to be now not rejecting him. I went directly to say, “I simply are looking to guarantee you I’m no longer saving it for marriage. I simply are looking to be in a boyfriend-girlfriend dating. ” I even dropped the “love” half as a way to no longer freak him out, however it used to be too past due. He used to be freaked. He regarded me instantly within the eye and acknowledged, “Look, Heather, i believe you’re an outstanding lady, yet I don’t wish this accountability. ” What accountability? I’m now not asking you to marry me or increase a toddler with me. however it was once available in the market now, that during order for him to have intercourse with me like basic humans do of their twenties and thirties, he’d need to promise to be my boyfriend. I’m certain he feared that when we did have intercourse, I’d be most unlikely to wreck up with. I left that evening devastated and cursing my virginity. Why didn’t I simply get it over with and sleep with Kevin or any of the opposite dozen men in collage who skateboarded previous me. yet then I’d return in my brain and say no, i would like it to be specified with anyone who rather cared approximately me, and clearly Phil didn’t. He didn’t even are looking to come over and feature dinner with me at my position on a Sunday evening whilst I had ready wild salmon from the Copper River. the subsequent weekend after the breakup, I had no plans, which depressed me. As i used to be mendacity via the pool on Saturday analyzing humans journal, this man in our development, Clay, began chatting with me. We had visible one another once or twice, and he and his pal provided me a margarita. Clay and his roommate, Todd, had made a tumbler and taken it right down to the pool.

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